Today is Singles Blogfest. This is in accordance to the laws & policies against singles. Dozens of bloggers are talking today about the injustice we face just by being single.
I did not write a piece on this specifically as I did not have time but I am reposting a blog on how singles times are not respected.
Singles, rejoice!
Reblog:
In my circle of family and friendships, I know five single people,
myself included. We all have varying career aspirations, different views
of our future dreams etc.. One thing we do seem to have in common
though is the blatant disrespect non-single/childfree people have over
our time and obligations.
I am referring to the time stealing. A few months ago while out on a
brunch with some girlfriends, the topic of time and how it escapes us
came up. I really cannot remember how I even got in the conversation but
somehow I veered off on a tangent of people not respecting my time just
because I am single. One woman brought up her lack of time and spending
it on herself now that she is a new mother. As I said, I can't remember
how I piped up but I am the unofficial childfree & single advocate
of the group so I somehow got in the conversation. Although unsure how
this came to be, I do remember adamantly speaking on behalf of myself
(and apparently other single friends) about the injustice I feel when
people just assume I am available to drop my life at whim to fulfill
some need of theirs. I am talking specifically about people who are not
single or childfree.
Case is point, a while ago someone I know asked myself along with some
other single friends to help do some chores. It was asked innocently
enough at the time. We were told of these projects months in advance so
we could ensure we were available. I didn't really think about it until
the time came and I took a good look at the list of people invited to
help out. We were all single and childfree. No-one with children or a
husband were asked to help out. I kept my peace at the time but I did
think it was unfair.
Fast forward to the brunch and I was voicing my opinion. Now to be
clear, I was not talking about the above situation specifically. I was
making the point that people who are not single and/or have children
seem to think people who live the opposite lifestyle sit at home just
waiting to jump when they crook their fingers. I find real offense to
this as it has happens to me often and it really is irritating.
While I said my piece at the brunch table, in a lighthearted and mild
manner, the other single and childfree women there all nodded and
started to speak up. Both women seemed upset about this ill-treatment. I
was shocked at the emotions that were elicited. I was stating the way I
felt but didn't really think others would care. Little did I know,
others felt the same way.
One woman, lets call her, Eena, said, "Yes! People do this all the time
to me. Call me and ask me to drop things in my life all the time just to
help them. They don't ask if I have the time or the resources, they
just expect me to do it. And, if I say no, well, they are totally
shocked! Why? Just because I am single does not mean I don't have a
life!".
The other woman apparently had the same complains. In a softer manner
(she is really laid back) she murmured, "Agreed. I find a lot of people
expect me to do this and that for them all the time without considering
if I have plans. It is not my fault I chose a life to be childfree and
single and them not. They chose their life just like did mine. It really
is selfish."
Selfish is right. I have another friend who is single and childfree (not
her desired lifestyle) who was complaining to me about this very thing
the past weekend. Her friend asked her to do something but my friend
already had plans. After explaining her plans, my friend thought the
topic was over. But no, her friend insisted she see to her chore totally
obliterating my friends plans. She told me that tears of frustration
welled in her eyes. She did not want to disappoint her friend but she
felt that her plans were not as important as her friends. She feels that
because she does not have any kids to run home to, people assume she
has unlimited time available for their own needs. I had to agree with
her.
This type of thing happens to me also all the time. Whether it is being
called all hours of the night, asked unreasonable favors, expectations
of being available any and all the time, blatant disregard of time,
parents not picking up their kids when they say they will, expecting to
run errands all the time; it is all unfair. I not the woman to find
solutions for this as I am not a person that can say no and not worry
about how I am hurting feelings but I have a few tips and tricks that I
have mastered.
Firstly, I am finding that expressing my feelings really helps. After my
speech at brunch, I feel that the people who were guilty of this really
listened. They have stopped asking inappropriate requests and value my
time more. My other suggestion is finding ways to gently say no. This is
really hard for me, as mentioned, but the more I say no to things that I
can to, the better I am starting to feel. The last trick is stating
your case clearly but firmly. If you have plans for example and someone
asks you to change them, kindly let them know that you cannot and either
explain why (if you are so included but don't justify your decision) or
not. I am finding doing things gently instead of defensively works like
a charm.
I believe that this disregard for single and childfree peoples time is
learned behavior. In the media and popular culture we are fed daily that
mothers give up so much to be moms and have no time because they are
constantly caring for children. I am sure this is true but what we are
learning is that parenthood is this top regarded job and anyone outside
of this (of childbearing age that is) is somehow deviant. Just when I
read good news on singlism and how it is being accepted there is always
some negative backlash on the tail of it.
My point here is that single and childfree people need to take a stance
and let others know that we are just as busy (or chose not to be as
busy) as everyone else. We have deadlines to meet as well. Plans to get
to. Lives to live and we are not at the beck and call of the masses that
have children or are in relationships. Do you have any tips on how you
handle people demanding your time because you are childfree and/or
single?
